spitting on miss america

The Rolling Stones for the Superbowl half-time show:

2006-02-05T17:16:00.000-08:00

YAWN.

Okay, now I'm really angry.

2006-01-31T17:35:00.000-08:00

What is wrong with people?

I keep reading about all the fuss over James Frey's "A Million Little Pieces". This book, which has been revered by so many people for it's "redemptive qualities", is now being reviled for not being strictly accurate.

I say, what's the big deal?

So James Frey isn't a paragon of virtue? Did you think, reading his memoir, that he ever WAS? Do you honestly believe that every memoir you read is completely factual? If you do, maybe you should rejoin those of us who live in the real world where people do, in fact, lie.

A memoir, by definition, is a person's memories, beliefs, the way they view their own life. It is not, nor could it possibly be, completely factual. No one is able to view their own life in purely factual terms.

In my memoir, I'm sure I would be a long-suffering and patient spouse, mother, daughter, and friend. I would also look a damn site more like Angelina Jolie than I really do. So what? It's MY book, damn it, and I'll view my life however I please.

Oh, and, by the way -- I am immensely irritated by all this uproar over Frey's claims (so obviously false) to have undergone a root canal without anesthesia. I've done it. Three times. Am I just so incredibly macho that I can do what no other human being has ever done? Nope. I had a dentist who recommended it to me. You see, the root of the tooth is actually dead. There IS no pain -- the most I ever felt was a twinge, perhaps a sharp twinge, but nothing remotely resembling torture. I prefer it, actually -- no novocaine lips to deal with.

So here it is, America, and are you listening Oprah??

GROW UP.
People aren't one hundred percent truthful.
What a shock.

Get over it.

A New Year, A New Me?

2006-01-08T20:31:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, I know!

It's beyond stereotypical to try to make a "new start" with the new year -- I know! But . . . If not now, then when?

I love the beginning of the new year, with it's feeling of infinite possibility. Sure, I've never followed through on any of my past New Year's resolutions, but there's always the feeling with the new beginning that I COULD, maybe. Maybe now, even.

Still, truth be told, I have NOT made any New Year's resolutions this year. I am a strong believer that resolutions, like rules, are made to be broken. I just don't trust myself to look a resolution in the face and not sneer at it.

Instead, this year I've decided on a few "projects" that I'm going to work on over the next few months. Now projects, that I can do! As much as I hate resolutions, I adore projects, and I cannot stop until I accomlish my goals.

One of my first -- and biggest -- projects, I've actually already accomplished. My only "addiction" has been to soda -- or, as I was taught, pop. But, this being the year of proving I could accomplish even difficult goals, I decided to get that one out of the way ASAP. The moment I decided to quit, that was it -- I haven't had one since. Over a week now (I went ahead and got it out of the way before New Year's), and I don't even miss it.

Go ahead, hate me if you must -- I'll just add "changing your mind" to my list of future projects!

By the way, another goal for 2006 is to post here on blogger more. I know we'll all be thrilled.

Just when things look their bleakest...

2005-11-06T07:35:00.000-08:00

Life in the Miss America household has been interesting lately. Not interesting in the sense that exciting things have been happening around here, but more in the sense of the blessing/curse I've always found slightly ominous, "May you live in interesting times."

Amidst the turmoil of recent events, my 8-year old daughter gave me this list, 100 things that she is thankful for:

1. A family that loves me.
2. Two great sisters.
3. Fantastic food.
4. A well-built home.
5. Lots of toys.
6. A comfy bed.
7. Clothes that fit me.
8. Many friends.
9. A mom & dad.
10. Two hundred books.
11. Four clubs that like me.
12. A large loving family.
13. A new computer.
14. A ton of large collections.
15. A talent for art.
16. A diary.
17. The t.v. show, My Name Is Earl.
18. Clean water.
19. A nice school.
20. Amazing ideas.
21. A near birthday.
22. Blankets that are on my bed.
23. An interesting life story.
24. Money.
25. A school spirit.
26. A great talent for yoga.
27. My own room.
28. Seven useful pets.
29. The will to learn.
30. Nice handwriting.
31. Lots of magazines.
32. A skill in math.
33. Enough light to read.
34. Enough teddy bears in my bed.
35. A nice amount of knowledge.
36. A best friend.
37. Enough money for camping.
38. Special things planned for every day.
39. A day at Dallas Children's Museum.
40. A nicely planned weekend.
41. A warm fire when I'm cold.
42. An intercom system.
43. Last night's celebration.
44. Napoleon Dynamite.
45. A bike.
46. The internet.
47. My own room.
48. A flashlight for the dark.
49. Advice from my family and friends.
50. Other people with shelter.
51. My teacher, Mrs. Melton.
52. Planned room decorations.
53. The author, Lemony Snicket.
54. My good arm.
55. All the sports in the world.
56. A nice set of scary movies.
57. Emma Roberts -- she inspired me.
58. A wooden guitar.
59. A balcony to look upon.
60. Funny parents.
61. My journals, including the web one.
62. Horses.
63. Artists in the world.
64. My best friend, Hope.
65. The police, paramedics & my mom.
66. My DVD player.
67. My Archie comics.
68. My dad & I watching basketball time.
69. The Dallas Mavericks.
70. My dad's hi-low style.
71. My cat, Nina.
72. My spanish & yoga teachers.
73. My CD player and CDs.
74. My emergency whistle.
75. The book: Ella Enchanted.
76. Food, also in different varieties.
77. Our city's basketball team.
78. Me and my sisters' birthdays.
79. People and volunteers.
80. My walkie-talkies.
81. Everybody in the world.
82. The author, Cornelia Funke.
83. All books in the world.
84. The trees -- they contain oxygen.
85. The McGruff website.
86. My dog, Cloud, who makes me laugh.
87. The USA.
88. My star planetarium.
89. My friends, Kaila Rose & Madelyn.
90. All my favourite t.v. shows.
91. My sister, Mia -- she's great.
92. A day with my family.
93. My writing skill.
94. My student teacher, Mrs. Rhodea.
95. My piggy -- he protects me.
96. The mall.
97. My whole class.
98. My spot in journalism.
99. My grandma & grandpa.
100. This list.

I'm so glad to see that many of the things she's thankful for are not things that can be bought, and -- even though our family's financial situation is a bit shakey right now -- she genuinely appreciates what she has. I think this is what every parent hopes for.

I love how important her family and friends are to her. I love that the school that is slowly driving us to financial ruin seems to be as important and worthwhile to her as it is to her father and me. I love how highly she values her own talents, and I'm thankful that she is confident enough to even recognize those talents.

What would be at the top of my list? Wonderful children who value what is really important in life.

You know it's been a long time since your last entry when . . .

2005-08-12T10:56:00.000-07:00

You literally cannot remember how to create a new entry.

How sad -- it's been over a month since I last wrote one. I can still remember the heady days, oh so long ago in January when I couldn't wait to post! Now . . . eh. Call me jaded, call me bored . . . call me BUSY! Let's face it, I'm really only writing this for myself, and honestly, I see myself every day. I don't really need to write myself a letter so I know what's been going on lately.

So what does that mean for Miss America? Not much -- I'll probably just go on, being the half-assed blogger I've always been.

After all, my biggest fan will read it, no matter what.

Crazy Monkey Baby

2005-07-07T19:52:00.000-07:00

So, I'm beginning to get a feeling that Mia is going to be the kid that keeps us on our toes -- I made the grave mistake of leaving the bathroom door open today. I swear I was only gone for 3 minutes, TOPS, probably not even that long, and when I came back, there was Mia standing in the toilet.

IN the toilet.

Laughing her little butt off.

Well, what would you have done? I yelled for Zoe to come keep an eye on her while I tracked down the camera.

Of course, knowing my luck, the stupid camera wouldn't work -- during the hunt for any working camera, we were treated to several fetching poses: Mia sitting in the toilet bowl, Mia waving from the toilet, Mia climbing out of the toilet. Not a single picture did I get. But Zoe did draw a rather cute picture of it!

So, lessons learned:

Never, ever leave the bathroom door open. (Yes, I do know how incredibly lucky we were that she didn't get hurt!)

Make sure the camera works.

Babies need an extra good scrubbing after splashing in the toilet.

Mia is going to think of things none of our other kids has even dreamed of.

Wish us luck.

I'm not sure I understand this . . .

2005-06-26T01:34:00.000-07:00

You are the Fool card. The Fool fearlessly begins
the journey into the unknown. To do this, he
does not regard the world he knows as firm and
fixed. He has a seemingly reckless disregard
for obstacles. In the Ryder-Waite deck, he is
seen stepping off a cliff with his gaze on the
sky, and a rainbow is there to catch him. In
order to explore and expand, one must disregard
convention and conformity. Those in the throes
of convention look at the unconventional,
non-conformist personality and think What a
fool. They lack the point of view to understand
The Fool's actions. But The Fool has roots in
tradition as one who is closest to the spirit
world. In many tribal cultures, those born with
strange and unusual character traits were held
in awe. Shamans were people who could see
visions and go on journeys that we now label
hallucinations and schizophrenia. Those with
physical differences had experience and
knowledge that the average person could not
understand. The Fool is God. The number of the
card is zero, which when drawn is a perfect
circle. This circle represents both emptiness
and infinity. The Fool is not shackled by
mountains and valleys or by his physical body.
He does not accept the appearance of cliff and
air as being distinct or real. Image from: Mary
DeLave http://www.marydelave.com/

Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

It's a little bit funny . . .

2005-06-16T00:53:00.000-07:00

Don't worry, I'm not going to break into song, ala Moulin Rouge, although I do love that movie.

I love the characters' undying love for one another, and their beautiful song that reminds them that, no matter what happens they will always have each other.

It's just so romantic . . .

The funny thing is that, although I don't often show it, I, too, have a grand passion. Underneath my mild-mannered suburban exterior, there beats the heart of a starry eyed romantic. The recipient of my undying devotion? My husband, the long-suffering Jake.

After 14 years, I'm more in love with him than when we married, and I still like him better than almost anyone I can think of.

As John Travolta noted in Pulp Fiction, it's the little things.

Jake is a wonderful father, which ultimately is no small matter -- his willingness to make our family the center of his life, and to spend so much time with our daughters will go far in helping them learn about relating to others, which will, presumably, allow them to develop strong and healthy relationships later in life.

He is also incredibly intelligent, but, more than that, he's also interesting. True, I don't always appreciate his mind when he's annoying me, which he does on a regular basis -- but, to be fair, most people annoy me. He's just one of the few people who are willing to put up with my bad attitude.

He's kind and generous, without being a pushover, and there are very few times that he will refuse to accomodate my whims -- all without being demanding himself.

The poor guy is obviously getting a raw deal -- and yet, he never complains. In fact, he goes out of his way to tell me how lucky he is to have married me.

Okay, so he's obviously deranged -- but I'm willing to overlook such a small flaw in an otherwise perfect man.

2005-06-07T17:40:00.000-07:00

I'm just not ready for this.

2005-06-06T00:16:00.000-07:00

My kids love to go swimming.

The long suffering Jake, who just happens to be the world's greatest dad, slathers the two older girls in sunscreen, gathers up all their necessary gear, and takes them to the pool for three and four hours at a time.

See, I wouldn't do that -- I love my kids, but I just don't have that kind of patience. Which is, actually, neither here nor there. I really didn't intend to write about swimming at all -- the pool, however, is integral to the problem at hand.

My oldest daughter, Zoe, is eight. She is the sort of tall and slender eight with big blue eyes and long blond hair that boys are already starting to notice. Actually, the boys around her began to notice before she was in kindergarten. She's adorable. More than that, though, she's fun. And funny. And has a sprinkling of freckles on a slightly up-turned little nose. Sigh.

Which brings me to the pool. And the problem.

Zoe has a new admirer -- one she met today at the pool. One who has already requested a kiss.

I'm relieved that she is still the sort of eight year old who feels that kissing is perhaps a little too grown up, but my insides are already churning with the knowledge that she won't be eight forever.

Although she's my oldest daughter, I know that I will always think of her as my "baby". I'm definitely not ready yet for my baby to be interested in boys, especially not in boys who are interested in kissing.

Honestly, I don't think I ever will be.

A joke from Willow . . .

2005-05-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

Q. What is a bear's favourite sport?

A. Canada!

Hee hee hee!

Fun For A Sunday

2005-05-22T08:40:00.000-07:00

A little bit of fun that has found its way to me:

If I were a dessert, I would be chocolate mousse cake with raspberry filling.
If I were an alcoholic beverage, I would be red wine.
If I were a type of music, I would be good to dance to.
If I were a colour, I would be brown.
If I were a fruit, I would be a ripe avocado.
If I were an animal, I would be a horse.
If I were a story, I would have a twist ending.
If I were a car, I would be an old Range Rover.
If I were a peom, I would be I Carry Your Heart With Me by e.e. cummings.
If I were a bird, I would be a mourning dove.
If I were a city, I would be Santa Monica, CA.
If I were shoes, I would be unworn.
If I were the weather, I would be a dark and stormy night.
If I were a plant, I would be black bamboo.
If I were a flower, I would be night blooming jasmine.
If I were a planet, I would be the moon. (Okay, heavenly body . . .)
If I were a tree, I would be a Japanese Maple.
If I were a fabric, I would be cashmere.
If I were a work of art, I would be mixed media.
If I were a book, I would be A Day With Wilbur Robinson by William Joyce.
If I were an emotion, I would be contentment.
If I were an insect, I would be a praying mantis.
If I were a song, I would be sung by a man with a husky voice.
If I were a fictional character, I would be Dignan from Bottle Rocket.
If I were a season, I would be autumn.
If I were an instrument, I would be a piano.
If I were lingerie, I would be a sports bra and granny panties.
If I were a movie, I would be What's Up Doc?
If I were a musical, I would be Moulin Rouge.
If I were a criminal act, I would be a heist.

Why don't these people have their own show?

2005-05-04T22:03:00.000-07:00

I just watched Picture This (Discovery Home) for the first time tonight. The premise of the show is that you have two people redoing two separate rooms to surprise each other. The show I saw had the most adorable couple, Josh and Sara from New York. Helping them out on the show were Josh's mom, Annie, and his friend, Timmy.

Check out the show here -- Updating the Bedroom -- from the Episode: Living Room Re-org and Bedroom Redux, although they don't show much of Josh and Sara (and, for some reason, they refer to Josh as "Jim"?).

Now, I'm not a huge fan of reality television, but these people were so fun, and funny, I want to see more of them -- I want to see weekly episodes on their lives in the Big Apple.

Please, somebody, make the show I really want to see -- give Josh and Sara their own show!

Pet Peeves: Blogger Issue

2005-05-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of pet peeves.

Just ask Jake.

They are many in number and vast in range. Basically, I dislike anything that is different than how I would do it or causes me discomfort or loss of time. That's really just the beginning, but it's a good start.

There is a particular set of annoyances involved with bloggers, though -- to be honest, I really hate most of them. Don't get me wrong, I'll still read them, but I won't enjoy it.

One thing I really hate is when a blogger doesn't post. Please, we like you, we miss you, just write something, damn it. Of course, I'm guilty of this, as well, but I don't think anyone is really missing me when I do it.

I also really hate pretentious bloggers. You know the ones, they write bad poetry and talk about how Bono sold out.

Then you have that special kind of blogger -- the one who is basically keeping an online diary, which is fine, but could you at least make it entertaining? I mean, I know your first hickey is a very special moment -- who wouldn't want to memorialize it on the internet, for all the world to see? But, please, could you not get into the whole angst of your parents discovering it during breakfast? I know they totally don't understand that you're in love, but I don't really want to hear about how you much you hate them, and how you're going to run away as soon as you've saved up your allowance.

Finally, the blogger I dislike the most -- the blogger everyone I know absolutely adores, but that I simply don't get. I don't think she's adorable, I think she's mean as hell, and young and naive as well. And, honestly, not very cutting edge, either, although she certainly seems to try to be. I'd link to her so you can see what I'm talking about, but I don't know how, and I'm certainly not going to learn just for this. I'll save that lesson for when I'm wanting to post nudie pix of Joaquin Phoenix. (By the way, I'd like to say a BIG thank you to the advertisers who came up with the commercial that taught me how to spell P-hoe-nix!) Just google "rockstar mommy" if you're curious -- I'm sure you, too, will fall under her spell.

Me, I'll be shaking my head, wondering what the heck you see that I don't.

And now, the rest of the answers...

2005-04-09T02:44:00.000-07:00

"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents."

The Call of Cthulhu, H.P. Lovecraft

"He was one hundred and seventy days daying and not yet dead."

The Stars My Destination, Alfred Bester

"Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty, hangdog look which announces that an Englishman is about to talk French."

The Luck of the Bodkins, P.G. Wodehouse

"He wished the phone would stop ringing."

Johnny Got His Gun, Dalton Trumbo

"He's a Mad Scientist and I'm his Beautiful Daughter."

The Number of the Beast, Robert A. Heinlein

"It was a dark and stormy night."

A Wrinkle In Time, Madeleine L'Engle

It doesn't get much better than this:

2005-04-09T02:41:00.000-07:00

Try your hand at random surrealism!

Things I Found When I Went To Take A Bath

2005-03-19T08:56:00.000-08:00

Or, why a house with children in it will never look tidy:

1. Not one, but TWO Barbie horses. Although, technically, one was actually a unicorn. A purple one. With sparkly mane and tail.

2. Two empty shampoo bottles.

3. Fourteen My Little Ponies, in all the colours of the rainbow.

4. One Strawberry Shortcake doll.

5. One empty conditioner bottle.

6. On Strawberry Shortcake CookieDough Pony.

7. The lid to the aforementioned conditioner bottle.

8. Two band-aids, used and discarded (but only "used" in the decorative sense of, "Mommy, can I wear a band-aid?")

9. A wooden race car.

10. Two Barbie dolls.

11. A Loving Family pony.

12. A Peter Rabbit illustration torn from a pop-up book.

13. A full shampoo bottle.

14. A child's swimsuit, size 3.

File this one under "Your House Will Always Look Better Than Mine".

And a recap of the remaining lines:

2005-03-08T19:32:00.000-08:00

1. "The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents."

3. "He was one hundred and seventy days dying and not yet dead."

9. "Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty, hangdog look which announces that an Englishman is about to talk French."

13. "He wished the phone would stop ringing."

16. "He's a Mad Scientist and I'm his Beautiful Daughter."

18. "It was a dark and stormy night."

20. "I have never begun a novel with more misgiving."

21. "Lot ninety-seven," the auctioneer announced. "A boy."

First Lines, Pt. Deux

2005-03-08T14:30:00.000-08:00

I suck.

Yes, you all knew that, but I'm finally admitting it. I suck.

First of all, for everyone who emailed me saying how stupid they were for not getting all of the first lines, I've got a confession to make:

I would have probably only gotten two or three of them. Two or three out of twenty-one. Sad. But there you go.

I think the "problem" lies in the fact that we're so anxious to get to the story that, unless it's a real whopper of a first line, it just doesn't stick. Unless it actually contains one of the major characters' names or alludes directly to the action contained in the book, we just don't remember it.

Here's another reason why I suck:

I accidentally deleted the emails with your answers, so, unless you posted a comment, I'm unable to acknowledge your brilliance. This pertains in particular to the amazing Amba, who got most of them -- very impressive, and a little scary.

I'm listing the answers for the ones that you got, but I'll leave the others a little longer.

2. "Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, General Aureliano Buendia was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice."

"One Hundred Years of Solitude"

Gabriel Garcia Marquez

This one was a throw-away, but I couldn't resist because it's my all-time favourite book.

4. "In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since."

"The Great Gatsby"

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Jake, you really should be ashamed.

5. "It was love at first sight."

"Catch-22"

Joseph Heller

The next line names Yossarian. Much easier that way.

6. "I owe the discovery of Uqbar to the conjunction of a mirror and an encyclopedia"

"Ficciones"

Jorge Luis Borges

This is technically the first line to one of the stories in Ficciones, but I haven't unpacked my copy from our recent move, so I can't give you the exact title. Sue me.

7. "To be born again, sang Gibreel Farishta tumbling from the heavens, "first you have to die."

"The Satanic Verses"

Salman Rushdie

8. "One thing was certain, that the white kitten had had nothing to do with it -- it was the black kitten's fault entirely."

"Through the Looking Glass"

Lewis Carroll

This has to be one of the best first lines ever! Cheers to Amba, the Alice in Wonderland devotee -- she got it right off.

10. "Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun."

"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Douglas Adams

Everybody and their brother got this one -- so why doesn't anyone ever laugh when I quote this? I always thought nobody "got" it, turns out maybe I'm just not funny?

11. "All this happened, more or less."

"Slaughterhouse-Five"

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

12. "The drought had lasted now for ten million years, and the reign of the terrible lizards had long since ended."

"2001: A Space Odyssey"

Arthur C. Clark

I love how science-fictiony that reads.

14. "When your mama was the geek, my dreamlets," Papa would say, "She made the nipping off of noggins such a crystal mystery that the hens themselves yearned toward her, waltzing around her, hypnotized with longing."

"Geek Love"

Katherine Dunn

And if quinnbee hadn't gotten it, I would have been very disappointed indeed!

15. "A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head."

"A Confederacy of Dunces"

John Kennedy Toole

I am amazed so many people got that.

17. "Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much."

"Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone"

J.K. Rowling

Well, duh, but you had to think about which Harry Potter, now, didn't you?

19. "There was once a boy named Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."

"The Voyage of the Dawn Treader"

C. S. Lewis

I have to confess, I've never read "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader", but I really want to now.

I think that's the whole point -- does this line intrigue you? Does it make you want to find out more? Do you think you'll search out one of these books, just because the first line was interesting?

I hope so. I know I will.

First Lines

2005-03-06T12:37:00.000-08:00

Can you guess which books these first lines are from? No prizes, just the satisfaction of knowing you were right. Post your guesses on the comments. I'll post the correct answers in a later entry.

"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents."

"Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, General Aureliano Buendia was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice."

"He was one hundred and seventy days dying and not yet dead."

"In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since."

"It was love at first sight."

"I owe the discovery of Uqbar to the conjunction of a mirror and an encyclopedia."

"To be born again," sang Gibreel Farishta tumbling from the heavens, "first you have to die."

"One thing was certain, that the white kitten had had nothing to do with it -- it was the black kitten's fault entirely."

"Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty, hangdog look which announces that an Englishman is about to talk French."

"Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun."

"All this happened, more or less."

"The drought had lasted now for ten million years, and the reign of the terrible lizards had long since ended."

"He wished the phone would stop ringing."

"When your mama was the geek, my dreamlets," Papa would say, "she made the nipping off of noggins such a crystal mystery that the hens themselves yearned toward her, waltzing around her, hypnotized with longing."

"A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head."

"He's a Mad Scientist and I'm his Beautiful Daughter."

"Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much."

"It was a dark and stormy night."

"There was once a boy named Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."

"I have never begun a novel with more misgiving."

"Lot ninety-seven," the auctioneer announced. "A boy."

Please, don't Google -- if you don't know, guess!

The Spaniard owns a dog.

2005-02-28T00:48:00.000-08:00

Aaaaargh!

I have been working on a puzzle for most of the night. It's one of those complex word problems that make you wonder how much of the information you've been given is truly necessary, and why in the world you are trying to solve it when there is a perfectly good television you could be watching.

I refuse to let this damn thing get the best of me, though. Not even the prospect of a night of PBS Britcoms can break the spell this puzzle has over me. I've had quite enough of it sitting there, taunting me while I methodically work out the answer.

It just keeps coming back to the damn Spaniard. You see, there's a list of clues to follow. The first two are simple enough, as are some of the other ones -- those get crossed off the list. That leaves my first clue as "The Spaniard owns a dog." I'm sure you can see how annoying that can become as you read through the list over and over again. We keep coming back to the Spaniard. And his dog.

It makes me start to wonder -- Who is this Spaniard? Who are any of these people? Are they diplomats? Where is this extremely diverse neighborhood? How did they get permits to keep zebras and foxes? Must be through their diplomatic ties, I assume.

I'm perplexed by the neighbor who insists on keeping snails as pets. Do they smell? Do his neighbors dread being asked over for dinner? And why do they all smoke? You would think, as diplomats, they'd be trying to set a good example.

I've had a lot of time to think about these people and their peculiarities as I've tried to solve the mystery in their midst. For over an hour.

Over. An. Hour.

Think you're so smart? Think you can do better? Well, here's your chance:

From the following 16 facts, try to dermine:

A. Who drinks the water?

B. Who owns the zebra?

1. There are five houses.

2. The Englishman lives in the red house.

3. The Spaniard owns a dog.

4. Coffee is drunk in the green house.

5. The Ukranian drinks tea.

6. The green house is immediately to the right of the ivory house.

7. The Old Gold smoker owns snails.

8. Kools are smoked in the yellow house.

9. Milk is drunk in the middle house.

10. The Norwegian lives in the first house.

11. The Chesterfields smoker lives next door to the man with the fox.

12. Kools are smoked in the house next to the house with the horse.

13. The Lucky Strikes smoker drinks orange juice.

14. The Japanese smokes Parliaments.

15. The Norwegian lives next door to the blue house.

16. In each house there is one nationality, one pet, one cigarette smoker, and one liquid drink.

The test goes on to say that President Kennedy solved this problem in 21 minutes, while the Advertising Director of a "famous national magazine" took over 2 hours to solve it.

Well. Twenty-one minutes, huh? I know Kennedy was a great man, but surely I should be able to solve this in the same amount of time, right?

Riiiiight.

I think I did solve it, actually -- in just over an hour. Of course, that includes the time it took me to talk my answer over with my husband, have him tell me I did it wrong, and run my own "proof" to make sure that I hadn't.

Nope, I'm not going to give you the answer. I think it's time for you to get to know that Spaniard.

And his fucking dog.

It hit me from out of the blue.

2005-02-27T00:34:00.000-08:00

No warning, no sense of imminent danger. One minute I'm feeling fine, the next minute I'm sneezing my head off. The sneezing was followed in quick succession by runny/itchy eyes, tightening in my throat, a burning sensation in my sinuses, and wheezing lungs. The allergy attack from hell.

The strangest part about this is that I have no idea what I'm allergic to. I've only had it happen once before. That time, the symptoms were all the same, but it was under completely different circumstances. That time, I happened to be in the car, so I went into one of those emergency clinics. Apparently I was quite a sight. A scary one. They rushed me into the back without even asking my name.

Truthfully, I was concerned, but not really scared, till that happened. I mean, you can be gushing blood at one of those places, and you'll still have to sit and fill out insurance forms before they'll look at you.

Today, though, I was at home. In order to see a doctor, I would have had to get dressed, dress three kids, get us all into the car, and drive to the clinic. The possibility of dying seemed like the easier option.

Thank goodness Jake was home. I took a couple Sudafed and went to bed, sneezing, wheezing, and oozing. Not my most favourite companions, to be honest. But I felt a lot better when I woke up -- six hours later.

I definitely owe him. Six hours, alone with three kids. I told you he was a saint.

Things you will never hear me say:

2005-02-24T00:10:00.000-08:00

No, thank you, I'm too full for dessert.

I think my life would have been so much richer if I hadn't had kids.

I'll drive.

Money is no object.

I think I'll have the lobster.

I'm movin' to Arkansas!

Reading is such a waste of time.

Yes, Jake, you're right and I'm wrong.

We should use our taxes to beef up the military, instead of spending on health care or education.

Nah, I think I'll just skip CSI tonight.

I have so many great ideas to write about, I just don't know which one to choose.

No dog in the house.

2005-02-22T21:40:00.000-08:00

Is there anything that even comes close to the wonderful feeling of having your dog spend the night at the kennel? Really, it's a win/win situation. He gets all the extra love and attention people who don't know him are bound to offer, and I get a house free of dog.

Such bliss, such contentment.

Don't get me wrong, I really like animals. I even, for the most part, like dogs. And, as far as dogs go, he's not really a bad one. He's very cute. He's very happy. He's great with the kids, even when they poke his nose or tug on his tail.

But there are things that bug me about this dog.

First of all, he is very nonchalant about the concept of being housebroken. He understands this idea, he's just not overly concerned about following the rules. Apparently, he doesn't think they apply to him.

Then there are the typical doggie things that are annoying -- the constant need for attention, the licking, the jumping up on the bed, the making strange noises to communicate. No, wait, that's Jake. Well, like they say, like dog like owner . . .

And who can forget the doggie penchant for snooping around, looking for food that has fallen to the floor. He's so moochy, the kids have re-christened him "Hoover".

Actually, that's not such a bad quality. Today I let him eat a whole piece of cake that one of the kids dropped on the floor. And let me tell you, he did a damn good job of cleaning it up. Apparently, strawberry cake with cream cheese icing is a particular favourite.

My biggest concern about this dog, though, is his enormous butt. JLo doesn't have this much ass -- it's like 90% of his body is his bum.

Now, part of this could be the fact that he's shaved about as short as a dog's hair can get, but, still there's an awful lot of dog butt on display.

Thank god he's been neutered, or I'd have a whole lot more to complain about.

Oh, the trauma!

2005-02-18T01:22:00.000-08:00

Yep, that's right. No cable. For several hours. Yesterday.

I couldn't believe that our cable had been shut off. How could it possibly have happened, I wondered. I just knew Jake had somehow managed to lose the bill or something. He was the reason my kids were upset about not being able to watch tv, and the reason I was looking at the very real possibility of not being able to watch CSI tonight. Damn him.

Then I started thinking. I sort of remembered, vaguely, throwing a bunch of papers, and, possibly, some unopened mail, into a box. You know, to tidy up. I knew some of those papers were probably important. I thought really hard to myself, "Now, remember to go back and sort through those papers, okay?" Which I promptly forgot.

Until yesterday.

Sure enough, there was the cable bill, mixed in with some of the kids' artwork, some catalogues, and some school fliers. The unopened, unpaid cable bill.

Shhhh . . .

I'm letting Jake think it's his fault.

Ferberizing

2005-02-17T12:06:00.000-08:00

I'll tell you up front, if you're pro-Ferber, stop reading. Right now. Nothing that follows will make you happy.

You've been warned.

Ferberizing, for those of you unfamiliar with the term, is the process of "training" your infant to go to sleep without being held, cuddled, soothed, rocked, etc. She is supposed to just go to sleep. On her own. So Mom and Dad can have THEIR time. Because that is much more important than comforting the precious child you have committed yourself to raising, loving, and nurturing for the rest of her life. Because it is very important for Mom and Dad to have THEIR time RIGHT NOW. It cannot possibly wait for a few weeks, or months, or, god forbid, years. Because Mom and Dad are more important than this miracle they have created.

The process of "Ferberizing", distasteful as it is, consists of allowing your child to cry for increasingly extended periods of time, until you have eventually taught your child that crying will do no good whatsoever -- Mom and Dad will not be coming to hold you if you're afraid, or not feeling well, or, for all they know, have your foot caught in the bars of your crib. They will not soothe you because they, in turn, have learned to stop feeling the pain and horror in the depths of their own souls when they hear you cry. Because they, too, have been "Ferberized".

To all of you "Ferberizers" -- shame on you. That need you feel to brag about your baby sleeping through the night at 8 weeks should tell you something. If you stop to think about what you've done to your child and to yourself, maybe it will occur to you that babies NEED their parents, day AND night.

And if you are so self-absorbed that a little loss of sleep would make you ignore your child's need for comfort, then maybe you should think about why you had a child in the first place.

Now, before all of you self-righteous Ferber-sanctioned child abusers start accusing me of not understanding "what you're going through" or, possibly, not having any experience in raising children, let me assure you, I know full well what happens when you don't ignore your child's obvious distress. Would you like me to tell you?

First of all, you will spend anywhere from a few weeks to 3 or more years waking up at least once during the night to comfort your child. You will spend a lot of time rocking her to sleep, singing lullabies (even when you don't really want to), perhaps even sharing your bed when she just can't fall asleep in her own.

There are times you will be tired, there are times you will be VERY tired. You will be grumpy, and you may snap at your spouse. You may wish at times that you had the heart of stone necessary to ignore that needy little person who just keeps asking for more and more and more.

These are not bad things. They are the things that separate you from the rest of humanity. They are the things that make you a parent. They are the things that, in 20 years, you will miss and wish to god you could do one more time.

Along with the knowledge that you are caring for and nurturing your child in a way that no one but you can, you can rest assured that you are not making your child weak or dependent. You are making her strong because you are building her trust in you (because you are there when she needs you) and in herself (because she asks for help and is given help). How can learning these things be wrong? Don't you wish you'd been given that gift when you were only an infant?

Please, care for your baby the way you would want to be cared for if you were alone and frightened. Allow her to ask for your comfort -- and allow yourself to give it.

Here's my idea of a good day . . .

2005-02-09T23:11:00.000-08:00

Sleep till 10 a.m. or so.

Take a shower.

Go shopping.

Nap for most of the afternoon.

Read my email.

Play with the kids.

Instead of cooking, order take-out.

Probably eat chocolate at some point.

Watch a movie. Especially a scary one. Even better if Johnny Depp is in it.

Blog.

Go to bed.

It's been a very good day.

Letters From Home

2005-02-08T01:16:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been an unusual day at my house today, and not in a good way. There has been yelling, there have been tantrums, there have been tears. The kids have not been so great, either.

I'm not sure in what way, exactly, I'm failing my daughters, but I do know that I'm definitely NOT living up to their expectations. As evidence, I offer you these letters written by my 8 year old (spelling, grammar, and punctuation are all her own):

SPEECH

Do not be alarmed this is not an emergency. You may leave but I have something to say, it's important, we need time together especially Daddy and Mommy, here are some days we could have some responsibility:

Sunday: Rat Cleaning Day (Note: This is not some peculiar astrological thing, just the day we clean the pets' cages.)

Wednesday: ~~House Clean~~ Clean House Day
Friday: Movie Night

That is all! I have to say one thing:

Thank you!

This was read at a family meeting she called. The speech was followed by a pie chart that, unfortunately, I am unable to reproduce for you. I will, however, include the various categories and their percentages.

PIE CHART

Time With Kids 95%
Time Together 10%
Needed Time Together 35%
Time off Computer 50%
Time Sleep 25%
I LOVE U 1,000,000 Infinity %

So, even though we're crap parents, she still loves us. At least, I thought so, until Jake showed me this note:

I love you ~~guys~~ Dad not Mom!

Things are not looking good for tomorrow . . .

Well, it's better than I hoped . . .

2005-02-05T20:10:00.000-08:00

GI Joe

2005-02-05T02:22:00.000-08:00

I will eventually get to the amusing story about the dog, after the bitterness has faded, but right now I want to talk about GI Joe.

Now, we all know GI Joe, rugged action-figure-not-doll. An icon of youth for American men of a certain age, certainly for my husband.

Jake is a really smart guy. On top of that he's well educated, which not a lot of people can say. So it surprised me when, during a discussion about GI Joe, he claimed that GI stood for "Government Issue". "Government Issue?" I smirked. "Are you sure about that?"

And so it began.

In our house, I believe there is a general acknowledgement that I am the best at internet research. Actually, in a sort of scary way. Mention a debate about squirrels opening coconuts, give me five minutes and I'll find out who's right. (For the record, apparently they CAN open coconuts, but I haven't yet discovered how they do it.)

Believe me when I say that you had damn well better have your facts straight if you're going to argue with me, because I will go after the answer with the tenacity of . . . something really determined holding onto something it really, really wants. The metaphor isn't important. The important thing is that I am always right.

So you can imagine my glee when faced with yet another opportunity to show Jake that he really isn't as clever as he thinks. I believe I actually snickered when I came across a website for military acronyms -- my lord, it listed SEVERAL possibilities for GI! And, yes, there was my bet, "General Infantry". I was so pleased, I honestly thought I might have made that up, but no! There it was!

Unfortunately, there was also the aforementioned "Government Issue" -- with a notation next to it:

"as in GI Joe".

Government Issue Joe? I'm at a loss. I truly cannot understand how this can be. Don't get me wrong, I'm no piker -- I let Jake know that his answer was listed as being the "correct" one. But, COME ON! Government Issue Joe?! That doesn't even make sense. "General Infantry Joe" is so much more logical -- a foot soldier would be general infantry, but what government in the world "issues" soldiers? Now, I know there are big GI Joe fans out there who are going to correct me on this -- don't waste your time, really. I understand the whole concept of the government sending out soldiers and, thus, "issuing" them. But it stinks.

So, while I'm willing to concede to Jake on a technicality, in my heart it will always be "General Infantry Joe".

Oh fuck it.

2005-02-04T01:15:00.000-08:00

I was going to tell you an amusing story about a dog, but I just deleted the whole fucking thing. Damn it.

100 Fascinating Things About Me

2005-02-02T02:38:00.000-08:00

It's okay to be curious.

100. I'm not easy to get to know.

99. I'm uneasy around new people and new situations, and react by being sarcastic or by remaining aloof.

98. Inside, I'm dying to take part in the conversation.

97. Once I'm your friend, you will have to treat me very badly for a very long time before I will stop being your friend.

96. I am very loyal.

95. If you work very hard at it and manage to drive me away, it will break my heart.

94. I don't want my heart to be broken anymore.

93. I love my children more than anything in this world or any other.

92. If you hurt my kids, I will fuck you up.

91. Seriously.

90. My husband puts up with way more shit than anyone should have to deal with.

89. Surprisingly, he is still madly in love with me. Go figure.

88. I am aware of the fact that I don't deserve his devotion, but I'm not going to tell him that.

87. I will not hear one word against the lovely Angelina Jolie, so if you don't have anything nice to say, piss off.

86. I have a twin sister.

85. She, also, is devoted to me beyond all reason.

84. Obviously, I inspire great love.

83. I haven't spoken to my best friend in at least 5 years, maybe longer.

82. We are not fighting, we just lost touch.

81. I still love her like a sister.

80. I used to live in Santa Monica, CA, which I truly consider to be paradise.

79. I fled from paradise after being in a very small earthquake.

78. I love the smell of night blooming jasmine mixed with the breeze coming off the ocean.

77. I love Dallas and I love Texans, but I really couldn't tell you why.

76. I have absolutely no ambition in life other than to be happy.

75. I have decided to register as a Republican and to work the system from the inside out.

74. I wish we still had programs on the radio like they did before there was television.

73. If I had a radio station, it would be all radio shows.

72. I think Dave Grohl is sexy, but this troubles me.

71. I would like to be 5' 7", 140 lbs.

70. Sadly, I am 5'5", and weigh substantially more.

69. Right, like you're perfect.

68. I grew up on a farm, but, at heart, I'm a city girl.

67. Still, I harbor a secret fantasy of taking my kids to go live in the country.

66. On a commune.

65. I hope for the best.

64. But expect the worst.

63. See how prepared I was for the 2004 election?

62. Don't bother trying to argue with me about politics -- economics do not outweigh human decency, no matter how much you try to argue the point.

61. I don't understand how gay people getting married endangers my family.

59. Nobody else seems to understand it, either. If they do, they sure ain't talkin'

58. I loathe Kay Bailey Hutchins, who apparently has no soul.

57. Yeah, I'm not big on religion either.

56. I believe that the pretentious lit snob who "highly recommended" Philip Pullman's Dark Materials Trilogy to me should give me a refund.

55. Give me a break, they're just poorly written.

54. I would love to have a job as a proof reader, but I could only work from home, and only for an hour or two a day. And I would need a six-figure income. With full benefits. Anyone interested?

53. I am an accomplished horsewoman. Truly, I ride like the wind.

52. I can also roller skate. But what girl growing up in the 80s can't?

51. I love British comedies, but, for the life of me, I just don't get the dramas.

50. I type really well, and I know shorthand.

49. If I could get away with it, I would move into an Anthropologie store.

48. I am amused by the similarities between cargo cults and Christian fundamentalists who believe "the Lord will provide".

47. I'm planning to run away with Adam Savage from the Mythbusters. What can I say, I love smart guys.

46. I would love to buy one of Rocio Romero's kit houses.

45. Barring that, perhaps I could live at the Dallas Museum of Art when I'm not bunking at Anthropologie.

44. I am anxiously awaiting the new Harry Potter book and movie.

43. I suspect I will adopt another baby some day.

42. I am a complete TV addict. I'll watch shows I don't even like, just as long as there's something on.

41. Enough with the Monk bashing -- it's a TV show, for pete's sake. Get over it.

40. If I could live inside a book, I'd pick "A Day With Wilbur Robinson".

39. I do not understand how anyone could eat lobster or crab. Do you not see the similarities between them and insects? Do you really not?

38. I once caught a salmon with my bare hands. Yeah, I really couldn't say why.

37. Dogs make me really sad. I think it's their submissiveness.

36. One of my husband's favourite stories about me is when I cried at the preview of Independence Day. I was pregnant. I admired their fighting spirit. Let us talk no more about it.

35. My husband believes his dog is embarrassed to be seen in a sweater. This amuses me no end.

34. I'm planning on getting a tattoo. And my naval pierced. Yes, I know I'm almost 40. And fat. I don't care.

33. I think the Mormon church is being disingenuous when they deny involvement in polygamy. How is it that you can accept all of your founder's teachings, then say that you've never followed that one? Here's a clue -- no one believes you.

32. For the last time, Cold Mountain is not a great book. Really.

33. I am nearly fanatical about houses and decorating, but I try to tone it down so that I fit in with the normal people.

32. I accidentally let my drivers' license expire. I'm too pissed off about having to take a driving test to renew it.

31. I realize that eventually I'll have to give in -- but that will be a bitter day, indeed.

30. I am pathetically delighted by slapstick -- I could watch people falling down or getting hit in the head all day.

29. I love the way my 3 year old daughter says "pink poodle". I try to get her to say it several times a day.

28. I'm not afraid of dying, but I am afraid of getting old.

27. I couldn't bear it if my husband died before me. In spite of this, he doesn't take very good care of himself.

26. Neither do I, but I'm trying to die before him.

25. I think chololate is a gift from heaven.

24. My IQ is . . . none of your damn business.

23. I love truffle cheese, and will devour large chunks of it if given half a chance. In spite of this, I will always let my daughter have the last bite.

22. I make the most delicious pork chops you will ever eat.

21. I think all children should be given a copy of "The Story of Ferdinand" at birth.

20. I would also like to live in "The Wind in the Willows".

19. But Toad would drive me mad.

18. I despise shoes, and never wear them unless I absolutely have to.

17. John Cusack has the blackest eyes I've ever seen.

16. I speak no languages other than English, but I am desperate to learn Latin.

15. I spend way too much time online, but, really, who doesn't?

14. I need a 12-step program to wean me off of VH-1.

12. Yes, I did. No, I'm not. Just wanted to see if you'd notice.

12. Decaf, nonfat, no whip mocha -- with extra mocha.

11. I totally think I could win The Amazing Race.

10. No, I never watch it, but how freakin' hard could it be?

9. Favourite food -- Primanti's Roast Beef sandwiches. Close second -- any good filet mignon, rare, with a caesar salad and a glass of red.

8. But, in a pinch, I'll eat tuna on 7-grain.

7. Do I have to tell you how I feel about Iraq?

6. No, I don't think I'm a liberal -- just human.

5. I'm secretly plotting to make my Canadian friend move back to Dallas.

4. Same goes for all of my friends who don't live here.

3. You've been warned.

2. The sexiest thing about a man is his intelligence. The second sexiest is his sense of humour. Having a cute butt and great abs doesn't hurt.

1. I am unfailingly polite to telemarketers, people selling things door-to-door, and panhandlers -- but I will never give them money. The person you want to talk to is my husband.

Well, here's the thing . . .

2005-02-01T00:06:00.000-08:00

about starting a blog, it's great to surprise and amaze all your friends with your techno savvy (I'm not telling them it was easy!), but then you have to actually, well, write something.

In a frenzy of delight, I emailed all of my closest friends, insisting that they MUST look at my blog this very instant! Which they did -- they are very good friends, after all. Oh! The surprise! Oh! The amazement! Then, the inevitable question:

"When am I going to be able to read something new?"

Oh, riiiiiight. Hmmmm . . .

I have to think up new things to say. Over and over again.

Good god, I'm not that interesting. Not even close. So what should I do? Should I make something up? Should I steal from someone else's blog, even if they ask me very politely not to? Should I string together random words, in the hopes of drawing amusing search hits? Well, that would be fun . . .

Maybe I should just try to be more interesting. No more plunking myself on the sofa to watch CSI reruns; no more eating at the same old restaurants, seeing the same old people; no more boring folks with stories about the time the lead singer from the Polyphonic Spree came to look at the house I was selling . . .

Nah. I think I'd better start trawling for material.

About the name . . .

2005-01-31T01:02:00.000-08:00

Yeah, about that . . . See, all the good ones were taken.

Save your righteous indignation, I'm not advocating this as a viable action.While I wouldn't watch a Miss America pageant, I certainly wouldn't spit on Miss America.

The name actually came from a comment in a news story I was reading while casting about for a good name. Seems some Philadelphia Eagles fans pelted Santa Claus with snowballs during a 1968 halftime show.

WYIP-AM sports radio host Glen Macnow said,

"There's nothing that sounds worse than throwing snowballs at Santa. It's like spitting on Miss America."

Except, perhaps, being mentioned in this blog.